?comer algo?

don't ask me about the title.
so this is how it'll be after a year or two. i will have to give up everything i have now and form axis of confinements and build a house out of leftovers... it won't be as bad as the addled sentence. i don't know yet. but i have to give up on everything- the imaginary world and people i only got the chance to imagine and make bonds with that had less expectations from me.
it will be tough- not too fair. i mean it's been days... i can NOT for the fear of being judged write. before that fear had no significance.. now the fear is all i have. i mean it has taken over me. perhaps i was always delusional to think i could "imagine" -- who can't though?
the reculse should be a mouse till she bloats herself to death. but Witty never mentioned such a mouse. he mentioned universe in every mouse, didn't he? but who was i to think he could a prophet?
i will be a fair bargain for my parents' happiness. i won't call a person that-- i mean i will give my full consent to people to do whatever the hell they want to. i think, i am too fearful of breaking their hearts. but in the long run... Allah knows best.
perhaps there is a Jupiter somewhere. i mean, i don't even give anyone the chance to become one. and even if i would, i would be "sacrificing" in the name of my parents. it's better to have NOT loved at all.
dear Tennyson,
i loved the whole idea about Victorian poets. but really i can't be that bold to comply.
sorry, love. things are not so happy inside my universe.
esha.
i talk of freedom and equality. but i am a hypocrite to not fight for something i don't want. i don't want to commit to a "school" and bondage where i would have to completely lose my words. but if that's the only way to keep that one person sane and healthy... the person for whom i stopped myself to attempt something "stupid"... why not?
so i will be cooking? i have never done it though, but i never condescend. it's a brilliant way of expression too. but i just can't be at peace with the idea... but i guess ...yeah, i will be cooking. wearing jewellery perhaps, umm raising children(i would love to) within a confinement (wow shall i raise a finger)...

i can't. no no no. but i should stick to my words "i will never make you unhappy Ammu"... will she be happy if i end up with an incestuous sexist bastard?


dear Ammu,
i can't sacrifice my words.
but i love you the most. i think i have grown up to be a narcissist. i can't school myself further than this, that's a new promise.
esha.