consider.

today was probably the worst day of the year.
i can't believe i came back home with the intention of confronting my parents; my mother especially. they are both going through a lot.
i can be so insensitive at times, i feel guilty so very guilty. so guilty that i feel responsible for ammu's sickness right now. she fainted minutes after i stormed out crying over something really silly and insignificant and most importantly untrue. she was asking me not to travel alone when i refuted saying she didn't care about my well being. so untrue and unfair.
i am sorry, dear reader. i am whining now. bear with me.
i have paraded between thoughts of conceptualism and one's own better judgement. i can't still figure out where i am standing at this point of my life; my life is a slow motion movie going nowhere.
there's a sad dying sigh somewhere in the background. consider it as music.

because we are really children and 100 is the largest number.

let's sit around the lazy horizon
and dream like children
let's not sit around
without romanticism
without the eye for a living lie--

let's not confuse white and black
with whiteblack and blackwhite

let's drink tea
without melancholy
consuming us from within

let's kiss the hands of ancient
limits
and languages yet unexplored

let's talk out the tangles
so that the overgrowth
of willows don't weep

i am willing to hand the candle
some light; it's almost night
but tell me you'd be there
to figure out the dark shades of the sleeping earth
with me

because one cage is small enough not to breathe
and one room is longer than most days
and i have tapped the fingers of shadows
100 times a moment
50 times more than second chances.

http://allpoetry.com/poem/5401051

this is what i think

i'll go back to my codes.

hazel and kishor needed sortingthings out. i was one of their inner voices, offered beef shwarma and pepsi and my counterpart who sat opposite to me and he was offered the same food and drink. we sat and delieved our "views" at intervals. it was important for hazel and her kishor. we were important.

i was hoping for the worst, but as the clouds greyed outside; their storm ceased inside. we made fun of crappy music that was being played-- a war clarion after the peace treaty. ironic.

we took a bus and my ass brushed against a lot of people. traumatic; i don't want to recall the gettingoutofthebus.

brown needs to sort things out too. but he is more in deeper water--as he would say, "at the bottom of the ocean." but his heart worries me, i don't think he allows himself to see. he can't rely on a half-real person's words... i hope he starts to realise that.

dear coleridge,

i had no intention to humiliate you. but i think, once or twice, you felt humiliated. i regret doing whatever i did.

esha.

i observed that this season is the season of complete pandemonium. and the people creating it are mostly women; that makes me sad and think... should i re-evaluate my ideas; need i think over this at all?

well at least zephyr is happy. so very happy. so is hazel- but she flares up. rocket is calm for the moment- but she flares up, she flared up at coleridge too when she thought he was being rude to me.

[i worry about rocket. her nest is empty now, finally. she feared this would happen years back. i worry about iron-arms because he doesn't know that he too can have emotions. i wish they find their peace some time soon.]

the sassy women on the other hand are out hunting and baiting.

the drunkards are done moping and now they're all philosophic-- bastards.

the religion-shunners are done blaming God and making excuses. and for the revival of things, they have changed into being loud and detestable.

the hypocrites are thawing.

the recluses are planning and have stopped planning and building up opinions.

the intellectuals have started to talk about stagnance wrapped with sheets of a dying humanity(that was always there i guess).

--

anger brings out the worst; we all know. it does melt the molds of illusion that other people create for the angry.

sometimes it's a good way to realise other people's qualities. i envy patient people. but i am more scared of the extremely angry. i don't want to turn into one.