28th.may.

wouldn't we have a life outside the box; the bricks and the walls? i don't know. i don't know. nobody knows.

the sky and trees look beautiful through gaps- you know how they put gaps in between intentionally... or the artsy bricks with intentional holes in them. holes was not a funny word. why do we have to take things otherwise? i don't know, do you? am i talking to myself, or you, or my words? i don't know.

i enjoyed going out today.

my friend calls herself blind, which she isn't. but i am glad i got to see her face and know that her eyes were perfect. it was kind of a relief to see her alright. i saw her friend today, i hope he doesn't think i plagiarized his thoughts. i do that don't i? write about everything that happens-- advertently and inadvertently. i always say i plagiarize from God. but now, in this case, i am defenseless. even though my intention was not to steal. we had tea... it was wonderful, the place called Goethe Institut Dhaka. i actually would have to write an Event for Ice Today about that place if i had joined Ice a month earlier.

i miss having a job. shh...

i saw krishnochura, i stared at them while picking up kashfia, during our ride to Goethe place and while we were there. krishnochura gives off a beautiful feeling... i have so many fond memories about walks, krishnochuras, conversations and philosophypolitics.

i miss tanjima, her old house, the roof... i miss going to english classes with her... i miss walking...and our rickshaw rides.

note.

goodmorning,
when you look outside your windows, you see a world of workers. we all work-- walking, building houses, selling, buying, riding, driving. so that's what i see when the world is awake at noon. i see you, sun. i see you, rain. i see everything from my room. it's funny how miserably i wanted to become a speck-- a thing that would be there-- "see and hear" and not feel. i truly wanted to be forgotten and forget. i didn't want to hurt anyone.
esha.

shallow waters.

there was a girl named moonlight who was a pretty whore. a boy named rotund was in love with her; moonlight was a ditsy queen of surely sharp a mind. her heart was fascinated with carnal fire and she loved stealing sunlight. one fine day it started to storm the whiny ditsy queen started her whine and rotund figured out that his fingers were thawing down ... he was made of glass- highly fucked ice under highly lowfuck temperature. ditsy queen named moonlight started to ouch and owwh and rotund was desperate; he was stuck to the ground. oh no... it was a bloody quicksand...nah just himself melting! how tragic could life be for the both. moonlight surfed her window; saw tiny faces of hunks and smiled the evil smile and said to herself, "i shall have them all... only a bit more of pretense." so she did. but she was a ditsy queen... who could not sink or swim or float in love... poor ditsy queen and rotund the oceanic water ... only fishes swam in him.

rant # infinity.

i don't know what to write. it's not losing the game that's bothering me. everything else is not helping me either. i hate being in the middle of something that ultimately makes me the monkeyinthemiddle which will be extinct the next day. sunshine sunshine gobble me up or down.
i HATE people's hypocrisy about emotions. their traits are so abnormally repulsive that i would not have enough words to describe them. i am talking about these specific people who talk about their ex's "assests" to other boys to brag. seriously, to brag? is that how low their lives are? also these kinds of boys are always the ones with the best sob stories. they pretend to be some tragic drama queen of a hamlet. seriously brag about your ex's breasts?
also, there is a kind of women i hate so much. who would do anything to be seen and to "snatch" other people's importance. they are so fucking blind; don't they know that there is no "importance"?
i am tired. of self contradiction. of suppressing my anger and staying quiet(not always though i talk back 2 out of 10 times). i have to be the villain either way. i have to be at the core of something... esha this and esha that... why do i get IMPORTANCE? am i a whiny bitch who likes to snatch? no i am just a bitch... perhaps i shouldn't socialise at all. perhaps i should wait all my life until one or two genuine people come and stand in front of me and say, "hey do you need water? i can fetch you a glass."

ambia.

talking about the small things in life.
i saw the eyes of this woman today; she is not our maid, she comes to our house to work with my mother because 1. she likes my mother 2. she likes my mother. she is nice and a warm character, when i stand beside her, she smiles and it melts my heart. God knows how she spends her "rest of the day". i have seen so much of poverty throughout my life, by just looking around. i have never felt the hunger, the frustration but from far away, i mean, from really far away i can tell these people somehow survive. they think of their "each day's". and that's their way of living. remember the small houses in the villages? their dreams are indeed small because they have small houses, a smaller sky- a smaller roof. but most of these people like Ambia, who are not ruthless or exposed to the rougher extreme of hunger and poverty, have bigger smiles.

.

the boy died. my maid just told me.

the things bound to happen.

my hell will let loose. when i won't have words.
i think people come face to face with what they fear the most in life. sometimes they die during such encounter.
can we not talk of death? sure.
but people who are dying in africa, srilanka, pakistan and all over the world should be forgotten because we shouldn't about suffering so that we don't get depressed? just for the sake of feeling one% of security that is probably there because we are unaware. God do we even use our brains completely in the first place. NO. so what's the hurry in the pursuit of happiness, brother? sit down, look at people. they die and scream; they are hungry and dirty and they are consumed by HIV virus.
i think i will stop being schizophrenic.
every thing, every fucking thing is an illusion.

today.

today.
a man/boy fell on electric wires and died. he was working on our neighbor's building.



i read and morality looked more horrid by the hours. it was funny now the sound of his death sounded like a crow's. every now and then a crow sits on an electric wire and dies. i thought of boro fupa and relatives and friends we have lost before him. i thought of the boy-- his family, his mother. i didn't know those people but i could tell all those people died along with him. maybe he was alone. maybe not. and if not a newer set of sufferings and toil have already taken place in the lives of his near ones. i hope he gets peace after all.










he didn't die. he is just suffering alot. my sister just told me.

the thing I should have written earlier.

I thought of keeping up with this. I am making this into a journal as long as my mind doesn't plan anything else.
yesterday.
I woke up early; talked to myself in the mirror, that's my favourite, being schizophrenic has all the best ways of entertaining oneself. I also have superego. Hence the self admiration-- what else could it be, all of a sudden I have decided to just about my life here. I mean how much could one love herself? I think part of my depression these days is sheer hypocrisy-- I have no one prediction for it. Everyone asks, "Esha what's wrong?"
Esha is not as self aware. She is all about the pretense; stay away from melodrama. According to a person whose words people thought were my only resort said that go through a phase like this every summer or perhaps a bit later. He should know it started last summer. There revelation, I am not ashamed of self pubilication, not today. Who would know what I am talking about.
Going back to the activities of yesterday; I woke up early, went to my old school to collect my A'level certificate-- I met old people, newer limestone stone finish on the walls and the old maid who apparently "knew me very well". I sat in the library and saw two teachers and the librarian's assistant sweating over an "apostrophe" that baffled them greatly. I found it a bit funny that they would not use the dictionary, come on there's no shame in making sure. Overcorrectness lead to their over-stupidity. I now know why my principal used to despise all her employees because they are a bunch of asses who would waste hours over an apostrophe without consulting a dictionary.
From school I went to Rohini's. Ro was still asleep, she went to bed at 9am. Her "orange" boyfriend kept her awake that late, I forgave him-- he has two dimples. Ro and I slept for about an hour; then she had "cold" milk and I had my first cup of tea. And I sulked because before I went out of the house yesterday, Ammu was having of her overbearingmotherlyfits. I don't understand why she does those, it only demotivates me and makes me more stubborn, maybe that's her only way of analyzing things. Maybe.
Ro and I went to Farzana Shakil's where I de-female my face (I hate men; hate to resemble one). Then I kept chatting to Ro while she and her mother(who was already there) pedicured their legs. I liked our conversation. It was fun to have Ro around. There's a certain sense of calm when my friends are near me. I get a positive feeling about things.
Next I went to see Preetha; talked to Nabila and planned to go to her place since she can't possibly get out with the "Shits" going on in her life. We understand really; it must be scary and unnerving to be in her position. Then Preetha and I went to Piran, from where I bought the jute bag, whew. Because the thought of having a leather bag hanging from my shoulder was disturbing me for a long time. Then I realised how I have spent 1000 taka in two days and how broke I was and how I really needed a job. I hate asking for things from people. I wish I didn't have to.
Then Saiqua came and met us at Cafe Mango. I loved our conversation inside Cafe Mango. We laughed at happy people-- we concluded that they were happy because they were delusional; stupid to be precise. Preetha has changed for the greater good in her life. See, at this point we all think we have. But I am beyond happy for wherever all my friends have gone and are. They make me proud. Saiqua got into Parsons(spelling?) and I hope the visa "shit" doesn't become too "shitty" or painful for her.
We went back to Preetha's place-- talked a bit with her mom, where mostly Preetha and Saiqua pulled my legs, trying to figure out the secret behind my "beauty". I rolled eyes till I was too tired.
Then we went to Rifle’s Square because Daiyan(Rohini's brother and my friends' friend) wanted to buy DVDs.
I finally came home in the evening. Ta da da. Ammu screamed, "You shouldn't have come at all."
I ignored and told her (inside my head), "No thank you, I have punished you enough for one day". I am just kidding but I did punish her by making her worried. She needs to know she is overbearing at times. I tackled her fuming remarks with my silence till I went inside my room pretending to go to bed.
Then I had depression fits and got yelled at by Matt who was actually being too patient and nice. And finally I slept at around 4am after conversing with Lal. I think we did talk about something substantial... I don't quite recollect, but my mood changed before I slept. Definitely Bipolarity needs happy thoughts for sleep. Did I say I was Bipolar?