i've been consumed by a newer headache after having the grumpies converted to thawing ice-caps. things are okay for the moment. i have decided not to wrinkle my eyebrows and travel the conversations that occur in my head- these involve too many heads- too many eyes of eyes. am i successfully confusing you- you can actually figure out shit from crap if you are attentive enough. trust me on this.
let's go back in january. what have i consumed from the trip to shantinagar? i am too tired of going over that again and again. smaller houses smaller dreams; people feed off of people; hypocrisy led by hunger; niceness in smallness and God nothing citylike and the ghoststories. i recall everything- do you? i tore all the pages, dear jupiter. i wrote the letters to nobody i figured. but i still have them posted in my virtual reality-- perhaps somehow that will make me come back to this world one day and discard the remains of your image. i am tired of make belief characters. YOU ARE NO LONGER, honestly.
i remember feeling uneasy over matters which were blurred till i came back from shantinagar. it made me draw lines for my own good. someone died inside me. but it was-maybe- worth the journey to the underworld of one's shattering illusions. at least i am not Magritte's shrouded man anymore. well, i would be too offended to be a man in the first place.
i need to rant down everything. i am keeping too much inside i guess. i don't really care that you and you are not going to read an epic blog entry-- that is safer in my eyes.
i killed sami again. he was never there in the first place. i am tired of hiding that fact. i mean it was not my lie to be begin with but i had to lie even after i knew the reality. i am happy that there's no one who would use reverse psychology to fuck with my mind. she was a bad friend to use it. i forgave her eventually but i never told her which and what made me hurt the most... here, now i will... i hope by some twist of fate she reads it. she should know that i don't want her to feel bad but she should be told that i acknowledge her mistakes-sins... because they were deeper than what i actually made it look to her. i don't care if she never considered me as what she said i was-- i can say that our relationship was indeed built on a superficial level. i was too blinded by her words, her delusional world and her hypocrisy. she rebuked my traits and called my naivete hypocrisy-- but dear friend, by the time it all ended, i did learn something. i am never going to trust people so blindly.
it's like everytime i "sojourn" i have to "loiter" "palely"... i am doing justice to Keats's knight... but i am not hurt broken by my experiences. i do know that stand right back up and walk on -- who cares how fast i am walking... at least i walk and i know how to. every experience teaches me something- once i go through a marathon of heartaches, emotions, dramatics... i get a little stronger. the bricks fall in the right place. they always do... but we all point at the sky and make God the scapegoat. "oh what did He do to us? oh oh oh!"
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